I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
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