I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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