So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
