shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
