someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
