you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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