dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
