Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
