Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
