just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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