Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
