A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
