when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
