'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
