when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
