Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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