Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I would fuck him just for his dog
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
