Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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