You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
