her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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