I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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