final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
