who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
