Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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