Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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