Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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