you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
