currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
