DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
