This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
