I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
