he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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