sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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