That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
