How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
