its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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