I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
