Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
