Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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