they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
