Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
