Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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