I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I had to cum in my sink.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
