Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
