yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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