he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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