guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
