I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
