I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
