What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
